Beyond the Seas
By Lyn Lumanlan-Elloso

In the seventies, my parents bought this set of grey mock leather furniture for our home. My siblings and our children have jumped over it, spilled food and probably wet on it, as well. This leather couch has gone through so much transformation, from getting covered with machine- sewn fabric and then re-upholstered in an atrocious aqua color. It has seen its glory days– being sat on at reunions, treated as a love seat, or received a hot scolding as we listened to our parents rant how badly behaved we were.

Today this couch sits lonely in another room, ugly and forgotten. It no longer holds comfort and has reached the point of distress.

Getting old is like being an old couch. Both tell stories, hold secrets and have a long history that may no longer be preserved as the memory fades. Like an old couch, getting old feels like that you are forgotten, all hope ceases and the glory days are over.

Life becomes challenging when the years go by. With all the children leaving home and settling on their own, suddenly the aches and pains that you have tried to ignore over the years are all coming back to haunt you.

There are different takes on how the elderly are treated depending on what culture you come from. Most Asian cultures place a heavy emphasis on filial piety, a concept by the famous philosopher Confucius that embraces the idea that children are expected to support their parents in their old age.
I call it reciprocity. Whilst it is a duty of the parents to support the education and well -being of their young children until adulthood, it is morally right to return the favor when the former are no longer able to look after themselves. 

Many adults in Asian cultures continue to live with their parents even when they get married, until they land on their own feet. The role of parents extends far beyond rearing their own. And, oftentimes, are involved in caring for their grandchildren as well.

The duty to honor and care for one’s parents is one of the Ten Commandments of God. This duty is still valid and a very important value that forms part of the foundation of creating a great generation. To honor parents means respecting them and giving them appropriate attention due to their age and the pivotal role they played rearing us into the world.

Sadly, this is different in many western cultures.

Adult children are unfortunately focused on individualism and enjoying their youth. They show little respect for extended families and ageing parents and are busy developing their careers, raising kids and feeding on their materialism.

Children tend to farm ageing parents out to institutions or let them lead a solitary life on their own. Many Asian children who have migrated to western countries have adapted this practice and have become unconcerned to the needs of their elderly.

But whether one lives in Asia or in a western country, there are many occurrences of elderly abuse. Yes, it may sound unfathomable, but it does happen. Abandonment of the elderly when family members leave the elder at a hospital, nursing home or another care facility without any formal arrangement is an example of elderly abuse.

Emotional abuse is another act of inflicting psychological pain to an elderly. Sometimes they are
threatened, spoken to too harshly when they lose capacity, or they cut them off from other family members or loved ones to gain control over their finances. This then leads to financial abuse — when the carer or a family member uses the money of the elderly for their own purpose as they do not understand their own financial situation.

There are also several reported cases of physical and sexual harm as they become frail — they could no longer fight back and stand against bullying. Any accusations made by the senior then are scoffed at and branded as figments of their imagination or products of their dementia.

Finally, there is neglect — when the elder is left like an old furniture that no one looks at, converse with or listened to as each member of the family go about doing their businesses.

Older people lose interest in activities they used to enjoy. They struggle with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness which leads to depression. Depression is a common thing, especially when a spouse dies or people they know or love have gone before them. Seniors are at greater risk for social isolation and loneliness, both of which can contribute to depression. If capable, they should stay in touch with friends and family to keep those connections alive which is good for their mental health and wellbeing.

Remember what goes around comes around. Respect and love your elders, do not discard them
like an old couch. The simple act of paying attention does wonders, even if loved ones suffer from cognitive diseases. After all, learning history and spending quality time together can benefit everyone and create irreplaceable memories.